Wellness in Our Relationships: "Exploring Some Essential Components of Love Between People"

     Relationships are truly a magical part of our human experience, and play such a vital role in our level of wellness—communities wouldn’t exist with out them, and neither would we! However, there is an element of mysteriousness that comes with each relationship. Because there is no ‘rule book’ on exactly how to relate to another person—everyone has different expectations—there is no universal right way to approach a relationship with someone. There are, however, many professionals who have closely examined relationships and can offer some insight as to what makes them ‘tick’. In 1986, American Psychologist and Psychometrist Robert Sternberg developed the Triangular Subtheory of Love to explore the basis of intimate relationships. According to Sternberg, the three components of love are intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Defining the Components of Love

      Intimacy is the realm of emotions that are directly related to your relationship. It requires caring, and self disclosure by all partners (sharing) in order to establish a warm connection, and build trust. Passion is the motivational element in romantic relationships. It stem from one’s inner drives, and results in physical arousal, and sexual desire. Commitment is the result the cognitive decision by each partner to love one another, and remain together. The key to remember is that intimacy and commitment are 100% mutual. If only one partner feels committed or intimately connected to the other—there is no real intimacy or commitment present.
The presence of these three elements determines the kind of love you feel in your relationships. All components can be present, or not—this is what characterizes the type of love partners share. They are not always viewed by everyone as equally necessary in their relationships, so the proportion of each element present varies based on individual needs and expectations.

 
8 Different Types of Relationships
       Based on the balance of intimacy, passion, and commitment, relationships can be categorized into eight types based on the patterns of love exhibited between partners. Here is a quick breakdown of those relationship types, according to Sternberg:
1)      Nonlove: No intimacy, passion or commitment is present—this is a characteristic of most casual relationships (i.e. co-workers, colleagues, etc.). Sometimes, a person can mistake another’s friendliness for an intimate or even passionate connection. However, because those feelings aren’t mutual, this is a classic case of unrequited love—usually harmless if properly acknowledged. If someone is not willing to accept that this it only a casual relationship, that can be a red flag!
2)      Liking:  This is defined by the presence of intimacy only, and is characteristic of most general friendships. There is closeness, understanding, emotional support, and affection—a connection definitely exists.  However, there is no mutual physical desire between these friends, and commitment is not a characteristic of this type of association.
3)      Infatuation: This type of relationship is focused on passion only, and some would call it “friends with benefits!” There exists a mutual, strong, physical attraction, and sexual arousal between partners. Strictly passionate relationships have a tendency to flare up suddenly at certain times, and then die down just the same. However, there is potential in certain situations to have a long-lasting passion-based relationship.
4)      Empty Love: These associations boil down to commitment only. This can be seen quite frequently in long-term relationships where the intimacy and passion have been lost into the past. This is also common in arranged marriages due to the lack of the individual choice of partner, which may cause difficulty with connecting on a physical and emotional level.
5)      Romantic Love: The lovers share both passion and intimacy, so they’re bonded physically and emotionally. However, romantic lovers lack mutual commitment. This is evident among some cohabiters—the love exists, but they’re just not ready (or willing) to commit to one another. In these situations, the uncommitted relationship could continue for years. It is unlikely that marriage will result, and the relationship may even dissolve at some point—this just depends on the agreement between the partners. If one partner wants commitment, but the other doesn’t, this type of relationship can be very stressful.
6)      Companionate Love:  Definitely a characteristic of a long lasting friendship, this type of relationship includes both intimacy and commitment, but lacks passion. This can be merely a friendship, or can be observed in marriages where partners feel close, but lack a physical attraction to one another as they once had long ago.
7)      Fatuous Love: One of the less desirable relationship situations is one in which both passion and commitment exist, but no intimacy. This usually describes a commitment that was established based on physical attraction, where partners intended to build intimacy. However, since the key to connection was absent to begin with (intimacy), usually this kind of love doesn’t last despite initial intent to commit. Many of these “fatuous” relationships usually move fairly quickly in the beginning—immediate sexual involvement, moving in together quickly, etc. Too much too fast?
8)      Consummate love: Sternberg called this “complete love.” It’s what most people strive for, especially in romantic relationships. Complete love is actually quite easy to achieve, the real challenge lies in maintaining it! If one partner changes their expectations at some point, the relationship may endure in a different pattern of love—as long as the other partner (or partners) changes too. But if the change in expectations is one-sided, the relationship may actually even dissolve.

Establishing Wellness in Your New or Existing Relationships
     With this information, we can take a closer look at our relationships to develop a better understanding of where we stand, and where we may want to go with our associations. Do you find yourself in one of the less desirable love patterns mentioned above? Have you ever noticed that something was missing in your friendship or marriage, but didn’t know where to start the process of healing? Or perhaps you are experiencing complete love, but want to understand what it will take to maintain it. All of these scenarios and more involve the interplay of intimacy, passion, and commitment. If all partners are aware of this, they can work together to more efficiently to experience a healthy relationship. So, begin examining the three elements of love, and the magnitude of impact they each have on your relationship. The bottom line is that all relationships take work—they don’t just build themselves, so you and your partner must put in the time. Also, remember that mutuality is key when it comes to a successful relationship. A lack of mutuality in intimacy, passion, or commitment can result in an unhealthy attachment—using these guidelines can help you to asses whether that is something you should be concerned about. Sternberg has created a great foundation to start working towards wellness in your relationships, and the best part is that you don’t need to spend a dime to do this work—you have all the tools you need, just look inside yourself and do it!


References:
Coleman, P. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy. New York: Penguin Group, 2005: 5-6
Papalia, D. Human Development, 10. New York: McGraw Hill, 2007: 521-

Stillness

“But the self-controlled man, moving among objects with his senses under restraint, and free from both attraction and repulsion, attains peace.”
- Swami Chinmayananda

Stillness is marked by a physical and mental state of deep silence and tranquility. It is achieved only in the present moment—when we cease to move, undisturbed by words, thoughts, people, etc. When we become still, be discover who we really are, aside from the identities that society tells us we should adopt. Siddhartha stated that, “…Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself...”



Why Stillness is so Important


I think that we’d all agree that some degree of inner peace is necessary to function without losing our sanity. There are just so many things we have to think about, which lead to stress—work, school, relationships, and world issues. Peace is a direct result of stillness—you cannot obtain peace from an inner state of chaos. According to a well quoted study by the National Science Foundation several years ago, humans experience over 50,000 thoughts each day—that’s over 2,000 thoughts per hour and roughly 35 per minute! With so much on our minds, it is easy to overlook our daily need for stillness—as a result we end up with a peace deficit, and that spills over into everything we touch. Furthermore, most of the thoughts we have aren’t even what we desire to spend the most time focused on—they’re just passing through, and we give them so much of our energy. So many look forward to retirement as the time when they can finally explore the meaning of tranquility because they’re too busy to do that now. When I was younger, I stressed about the outcome of my future at times, but mother would always remind me that tomorrow wasn’t promised to anyone. I understood that if I didn’t take interest in the present moment, all that was left to rely on was possibility. Possibility has a valid place in everyone’s life, but alone it’s too unstable to build our entire foundation on—relying on the present moment is the only stability we have because it is our reality. A few symptoms of relying too much on possibility are: stress, fatigue, unjustified anger, lack of gratitude, impatience, unhappiness, depression, guilt, neglect of self, and deterioration of our relationships. Yes, it’s important to dream and to work towards a goal, but not at the expense of your life. Life resides in the present moment—it’s precious and should never be taken for granted. No matter how busy we are, we must make time for a few silent moments to be still each day—your wellness depends on it. So consider where you and your inner peace rank on your list of priorities. In order to see positive changes throughout the world, we must first change ourselves—lead by example. Practicing stillness quiets the mind, helps us to experience our natural state of inner peace, and embrace the essence of liberation. If the majority of people around the world embodied stillness and peace, how might that affect public relations? In the words of Robert Adams, “There is only one decision you need to make; either you are working at your freedom or you are accepting your bondage.”


Achievement Through Meditation

Everyone is different, and so your methods of achieving stillness should reflect your personality. A commonly used method is meditation—a process defined by you based on your personal needs. There are various forms of meditation based on personal preferences, and desired results: moving meditations such as yoga and walking, prayer for spiritual needs, and guided meditations just to name a few. Meditation is simply holding a thought of something or someone in your mind, without diversion from that thought. It isn’t necessary to sit a certain way or chant anything—you can even lie down if that is most comfortable for you. Meditation isn’t forceful, it is gentle and subtle-- it allows your mind the space to settle on its own and in it’s own unique way. Many find it helpful to find a place where they won’t be disturbed for a while, take a few deep breaths, and just allow themselves to enjoy the calmness of the present moment. If you are flooded with thoughts and worries, just quietly remind yourself that is you moment to be still—you can resume your daily routine when this moment is over. You cannot live in the past or the future, you are alive right now and that is what’s most important. So just embrace that and allow the demands of daily life to rest briefly. If you can’t think of anything to focus on, consider your breath. There’s no specific way that you have to breathe, just take notice of the subtle, automatic process of breathing, and how every breath gives life. Breathing is a miracle that we often underestimate—simply placing your attention on it for a few minutes can help you to relax and become present. Also, soothing instrumental music or a warm bath can be really helpful to help you unwind. There is no specific time or duration that you have to meditate—do what feels most comfortable for you. If 5 minutes in the evening is all the time you have, that’s still better than not taking time for yourself at all, isn’t it? Lastly, guided meditations can be really helpful and cover a variety of topics. For free downloadable guided meditations podcasts in mp3 format, you can visit: Meditation Oasis. This is a great resource especially for beginners, and those on the go.

The most important thing to remember about meditation is that the bottom line is to learn how to become still. The idea is that the more you practice, the more you’ll notice and increase of peace in all areas of your life without further efforts!